Master Rules Her

New Task

2012-01-30T00:21:00.001-05:00

Master has given me a new daily task which has been going on for about a week now.

First, i am to rub my clit to get it aroused a bit. Then, i am to stroke my clit 300 times daily with my finger and nails. He tends to like my nails grazing across my clit because it makes my entire body shiver.

The strokes are to be slow and consistant and i struggle not to speed them up as my arousal rises. i am not allowed to cum at all.

It's quite a mind tease.....going from no touch at all for months...to completing the required strokes without losing control.

My clit is getting quite sensitive these days and i am definitely more aware of my clit hood piercing. i can feel the ring rubbing more against my sensitive clit.

This task will definitely test my control.

Marked

2012-01-23T00:54:00.002-05:00

The marks from wearing the tack bra inserts are finally starting to fade. They seem to have lasted longer this time, probably because Master had ordered me to wear them from 8:30 am until midnight. The tacks press in and scratch and occasionally will slightly puncture the skin. The longer they are worn and the more i move about throughout the day, the more uncomfortable they get. Going to the gym with them is torture. i tend to moan and groan a lot, yet they make me wet.

The scar of the word slut that was carved into my belly is not fading very fast. It is quite prominent and i never tend to get used to seeing it there. It's still rather a shock every time i notice it throughout the day.

i do find that being marked is a constant reminder of my place since i see it repeatedly throughout the day. It’s like a little jolt back into the reality that i am an owned slave and am at the mercy to what Master wishes. No matter where i am when i see my marks, i tend to unconsciously bow my head and lower my eyes as i reflect on my Master and His control.

Humiliation

2012-01-19T00:30:00.001-05:00

Master has ordered me to post something. i have really been rather unfocused lately and it shows. i have only posted twice this month....definitely not good.

Humiliation has never been a strong point of mine. It really depends on my mood as to how graceful i accept it.

i have the word "slut" carved into my belly at the moment. It has been there for awhile now.....can't remember the exact date. The cutting itself has healed but it is still quite noticable.

It's odd having something carved into your skin. It's not a pen or marker that can be washed off. It is there...in plain sight....for the duration of the healing time, which could be months.

i have to be aware that it is there. i tend to not think about getting undressed or trying on clothes with family or friends around and i wouldn't want them to see it. i always hope i really don't need to make a dr's appointment when i have a visible cutting. i really don't know how i would explain it.

Even when i see it when i am out or at work, a shiver goes through me as i realize that i have no control over it.

It's easier to get away with explaining bruises than it is to explain why i have the word slut cut into my belly...lol.

But it is a stark reminder of my place and who is in control. It is Master's choice...not mine. i am His property.

2012-01-12T01:52:00.000-05:00

Tack Bra & The Gym

Tack Bra + The Gym = Pain

Master ordered me to wear the tack bra inserts today. The tack bra always is intense, but when i went to the gym today, i was trying hard to keep my moans of pain quiet. At least it was more of a cardio day, so that saved me some of the more intense movements.

The inserts went in before work and remained until late evening. Breasts are red, sore, and very tender. They are covered with swollen little pin pricks from the tacks.

Welcome 2012

2012-01-01T23:57:00.004-05:00

Make your hopes, dreams, and wishes a reality this year.

Life is too short to let it slip away unenjoyed and unexplored.

May 2012 surround you with love, laughter, calmness, and of course...kink.

Goodbye 2011

2011-12-31T19:28:00.001-05:00

Well we are in the last few hours left of 2011.

It was a bit hectic and stressful year.

Hopefully 2012 will be a calmer year.

Am glad the holidays are finally over. i am so looking forward to getting back into a normal routine of life. It's funny how i can end up missing the little things...like posting or going to the gym regularly.

It's even stranger that i miss "feeling like a slave"....life has just been too freaking hectic. It's even a weird feeling to read that sentence really...those words would never normally come from my mouth. And most times i would normally just welcome a little bit of a break now and then when things get heavy.

Anyways...we all made it through 2011...a very good thing.

Hopefully, 2012 will be a great year for everyone!

Tired

2011-12-10T00:57:00.000-05:00

i tend to get worn down during the holidays. Life is usually crazy enough, but then add in all the shopping, baking, parties, etc....and it gets draining. Trying to fit everything into an already hectic schedule.

And when life is crazy, there is less time for the heavier bdsm play. But then when it is brought back to life, i find myself quite unsure of my ability to handle it. (And yes, i know that it doesn't matter what i think that i can handle...and it is solely Master's decision, but it is a heavy mind set.) There is a level of doubt, fear, and self-questioning that looms in my mind. Master often reminds me that i don't need to think, but often times that is hard for me not to.

i try hard to just blindly accept and trust. i really do trust in His judgement and guidance. It's just sometimes you fight it.....you think that you can't handle it....or don't want/need a specific experience...yet u just try to accept.

Sometimes i think that i am mellowing out...becoming a wuss....lol. i guess my head can't always be really deep...as long as i still have to function and think in the vanilla world.

Thoughts

2011-12-08T00:18:00.000-05:00

i encounter many different types of reminders throughout the day that focus me on my slave status.

i am always aware of my nipple and cunt piercings and sometimes moan as i feel their presence. i find myself unknowingly playing with my ring or necklace and then realize it and kiss them as a sign of respect. i stop in my tracks when i find myself aroused and craving, but know my rules deny me that satisfaction. i could be writing or typing and notice that i need to get my nails done since they are a required upkeep. Or i may be at the hairdresser and realize i am not allowed to make a decision on a hair cut.

It is quite interesting just how many times a day my thoughts or actions are unconsciously drawn to my slave status.

Still Here

2011-12-07T23:55:00.002-05:00

W/we are still here.

Damn I can't believe that i haven't posted in a month.

Life is still crazy. Holidays are making it even moreso.

Hopefully i will get some time to post more often.

Monday

2011-11-07T08:38:00.000-05:00

Life has been crazy. The holiday stuff has started. i am going to try to stay ahead of the game this year and try to get things done early...but then again, i always try and it never works out that way...lol. i did start some baking, so that is a plus!

i haven't posted in awhile....that's not good. i need to stay focused more. But i need to be at work shortly, so i will have to write more later.

Weekends should be longer...lol.

3 Weeks Stuffed Continued

2011-10-20T00:30:00.000-04:00

There was also a strong mental aspect and a deep control factor in having my cunt and ass stuffed.

Controlling someone's basic bodily functions can't help but keep you focused on your place. i believe my focus was very strong during the assignment. Since i constantly felt the balls and plug, my mind was constantly processing and reaffirming my position.

This type of assignment encompasses a myriad of feelings...humiliation, degradation, embarrassment. It's like you are stripped down to a very basic element.

It's a mind fuck. It's extremely draining yet you have no option but to obey. Since i was never given a time frame for the assignment, i couldn't even look forward to a specific time when it would end.

There were days that i dreaded it....and other days that i embraced it and enjoyed the sensations and arousal.

But i always felt very owned, controlled, and at Master's mercy.

3 Weeks Stuffed

2011-10-17T00:24:00.000-04:00

Well this was a new record for me...having both my ass and cunt stuffed for 3 weeks straight.

In the past Master has chosen to have only one hole stuffed at a time, so this was a whole new experience for me.

It's a very controlling assignment...both physically and mentally. In this post i will talk about the physical aspect of the assignment.

i was constantly aware of the items inside me...the pressure, the stimulation, the friction of the two against each other. Didn't matter if i was moving or sitting still...i always felt them. There was pain. There was pleasure. And an extremely high level of arousal that often left me dripping.

There was a lot of time and scheduling involved as well. You really do get it down to a science for the most part. Knowing when to remove them and clean them. Needing he extra time in the shower, or before heading to work, or just to go out in general.

i always needed to be aware of my surroundings...in case i was in need of a bathroom. Many times i would just stop in my tracks when a shiver of arousal was set off and would run through my entire body....while i tried not to moan too loudly.

After Master chose to insert a second ball, the pain and arousal intensified greatly. It felt like i was constantly being stretched open...like something forcing my holes open. A constant pressure stretching my cunt and pressing down against the plug. The balls and plug would always cause friction against each other.

Just a totally intense and arousing assignment.

Sunday

2011-10-16T00:23:00.000-04:00

Master finally allowed me to remove the plug and balls on Saturday...after three weeks.

It was quite and intense 3 weeks.

As much as i am relieved to have them out....there's an odd empty feeling. Probably from just being stretched for so long.

i will write more soon. Is late and apparently it is my bedtime once again...lol.

Tuesday

2011-10-11T00:38:00.000-04:00

Geeze....i fell asleep while posting last night and never even finished the post.

My clit has recovered from its torture from the other night. Clamps are freaking intense. So are finger nails. And pulling and twisting.....arghhhh.

Damn.....Master just ordered me to bed.

i am outta here. Will have to finish up posts later.

Clit Clamped

2011-10-10T00:43:00.000-04:00

My pain threshold tends to rise and fall at any given time these days...and seems to be leaning towards nonexistant lately.

But even on a good day, i wouldn't be able to easily handle the pain of having a very tight clamp ripped off my clit.

Since that is what Master wanted, my clit is still quite sore and sensitive.

Blindfold

2011-10-06T23:59:00.001-04:00

i have been restless at night lately. Body doesn't seem to want to wind down, no matter how tired i actually am.

Often in the past Master has ordered me to bed with a blindfold. It seems like i was always fighting it....never letting go enough to allow it to settle me down and help block out everything.

Well it seems that i can finally embrace wearing a blindfold now and appreciate its help in settling me down. It still takes a bit of mind power not to fight it and just accept. And i am sure that there may still be times when it might be rough to wear one, but for the most part, it seems like i can enjoy it...and the sleep it helps me attain.

Yes, i have to admit that Master was right...as He usually is! (or i should probably say...as He always is!)

Tuesday

2011-10-04T11:59:00.000-04:00

It's only Tuesday but it feels like an entire week has passed already...lol.

Ass and cunt are still stuffed. Master was generous in allowing me some touch time yesterday. However, He limited my touch area to only tits, ensuring that cunt and clit were off limits...and that drove me insane. It's such a tease to touch anywhere except where you really want to!

It's been a long time since i have been allowed any touch time, so it really is appreciated. Even though my hands were on my tits, my cunt was dripping and twitching very quickly. Actually, it was probably to my advantage that Master didn't allow me to touch cunt because had He allowed me to touch there, it would have been rough to hold back a cum. i was aroused so quickly last night.

It was a special, and truly appreciated, gift.

October

2011-10-02T11:59:00.000-04:00

Can't believe it is October already. Temperatures have been dropping and I am sooooo not ready for winter...lol.

i need to make a concerted effort to post more. i have been slacking in this area and last month was really bad. i know that posting helps keep me focused, so i really should take advantage of any help i can get!

My ass and cunt are still plugged. Both are a bit sore, but that doesn't stop me from squeezing on them. Can't help it. Master was generous and allowed me to cum the other day....but having my holes constantly filled is keeping me on edge...and making me moan a lot! Arghhhh...i would love to touch right now!

Ouch

2011-09-28T23:53:00.000-04:00

It has been awhile since Master has allowed anything in my cunt. So he sees a large...and i mean large....cucumber from my garden and decides that it would be a good choice to be used as a toy. Ummm....i can't even get my hand around it....lol.

Needless to say, my cunt was painfully assaulted with the veggie before Master finally allowed a deep, rough fuck. i swear there were several layers of skin worn off my fuck hole. Damn it was painful and i was left extremely sore.

Then Master decided that my ass and cunt would remain stuffed for at least a week....possibly more.

Life

2011-09-17T09:25:00.001-04:00

Life still seems to be crazy. Would be nice if it settled down a bit. Can't believe i haven't posted at all this month...arghhh.

Things are okay. i tend to get lax at times when i don't strictly adhere to my rules and protocols. Then i feel bad when Master has to point it out to me, such as by making a comment like He is tired of me trying to negotiate. i don't even realize that i get myself to that point until He brings it to my attention and then i am crushed when i see how i am portraying myself.

Although it is always there, sometimes with life so crazy the M/s factors are not always as prevalent as other times. Then i find that confidence in myself begins to waver, resistance starts to grow, and fears set in. Sometimes i don't think i am slave material, but i need to realize that i don't define what a slave is...Master does and it is up to Him to mold me into what He wants. And that's when i really need to just surrender and trust in Him.

Even though life gets crazy, i know my place and need to stay focused. And yes i know that is the reason Master has set specific rules and protocols to ensure that my head remains where it should be.

My garden is winding down. Am going to miss the home grown vegetables. Even though it is a lot of work, you can't beat the taste and convenience of having a garden in ur backyard.

Fall has definitely moved in. Daily weather temperatures are fluctuating hard, sometimes dropping 20 degrees in one day. i know snow is not too far off...lol.

Craving

2011-08-30T23:47:00.000-04:00

i have been extremely aroused lately. Master is not letting me touch and it's driving me insane...arghhh.

My dreams are getting more and more intense these days. i know that the longer Master does not allow me release, the more extreme my dreams get. They even make me a bit uncomfortable to know that i am actually dreaming about such extreme stuff.

Nothing Much

2011-08-23T23:34:00.001-04:00

Nothing much is going on.

Life is crazy busy.

Can't believe the summer is almost over...arghhhh.

i still am making a conscious effort to remain focused and not be distracted or let my slave rules slip just because life is crazy.

Life needs to slow down once in awhile so we all could catch up...lol.

Sitting Comfortably

2011-08-16T23:59:00.000-04:00

Master allowed the plug to be removed on Saturday.

i had worn a plug for 2 weeks straight. i spent the last week wearing my old plug during the day and early evenings and then switching it out with the newer plug.

My old plug is still way more comfortable than the new one. i don't think i am going to be able to wear the new plug for any extended length of time...or even out of the house. It just doesn't settle in right, is still very uncomfortable and quite painful at times and doesn't seem to stay put well. It does, however, really stretch my ass open.

i actually was able to endure the long-term wear of the plug much better than i expected. This was the longest continuous stretch that i have ever worn a plug.

So for now i am enjoying a pain-free, comfortable break.

Still Plugged

2011-08-10T23:14:00.001-04:00

Well my ass is still plugged. Today is Day 11.

Master decided that the new larger plug should get a turn in my ass. So the routine is that i keep my ass filled with the old plug all day at work and then change out to the new plug at night.

The first night the new plug was inserted was tolerable. Last night's change to the plug was painful and i didn't last long with it at all before switching back to the old one. Tonight the new plug is in and its not too bad.....as long as i don't do much...lol.

i think it is just the design of the plug that makes it so uncomfortable. The neck is just too wide for me to have it be comfortable yet, but i have hopes that it will eventually stretch me enough so that it is more tolerable. The widest part is the tip so i am stretched wide open very quickly and there isn't a taper down to the neck....it is a very sharp cut and removal can be painful when stretching so wide that quickly. Also, in my opinion the neck is too long because it leaves a lot of room for the plug to slide down so that the base is sticking out far and the top of the plug is pushing down on the entrance. That makes it uncomfortable and painful. If it would just stay in deeper, it would be more manageable. I do like the silicone itself though. Holds body heat nicely, is easy to clean and is very soft and flexible yet stable enough to insert. i did customize the base by cutting it until it was much smaller so that it was more comfortable.

It seems like it is taking me a very long time to adjust to the new plug and its hard for me to do much while it is in. The more i walk, sit, or pretty much move at all...the more uncomfortable and painful it gets. If i lay down, it's not too bad.

But hopefully it will be less of a pain in the ass very soon....lol.

Butt Plugged Once Again

2011-08-01T00:31:00.000-04:00

Master ordered the plug back in at 11 am on Saturday.

i am thankful that He chose to insert the old plug. It will take some time for my ass to totally surrender to the plug again.

Asshole is sore tonight. It's uncomfortable to sit long or move around much right now. But i can tell that my asshole is still more relaxed than before i had started wearing the plug long term.

But i am sure that i will get used to it soon.

Finally The Weekend

2011-07-23T23:43:00.000-04:00

Has been a long week. Am very glad the weekend is finally here, even though today flew by!

The heat on the east coast is not helping matters either! Has been too damn hot to want to do anything.

Can't even keep my eyes open tonight.

Days Just Fly By

2011-07-19T23:47:00.001-04:00

Geeze, i haven't even posted in over a week.

The days just seem to be flying by. The weather has been extremely hot.....but it beats snow! lol.

It's so easy to get caught up in the hectic pace of everyday vanilla life, but i need to stay focused.

Focus....focus....focus! Some days it is easier than other days...arghhhhh.

New Butt Plug

2011-07-10T23:22:00.000-04:00

When you think of the size difference of 1/4", it doesn't seem like much...until it is filling your ass...lol.

The new butt plug was inserted last night and damn there is a difference between the two. The new plug's neck diameter is like double the size of the old one. Just feels huge.

i could not get used to the plug today. It was just pure agony no matter what i was doing. My ass ached and burned all day. i ended up wearing it for about 22 hours before Master generously allowed its removal. i had it out within a minute of being granted permission...lol.

Master says i will get used to it. Hopefully!

i think that i need one with a much smaller neck...lol.

Tit Torture

2011-07-09T23:59:00.000-04:00

Master decided my tits needed a bit of attention tonight.

Tits were first tormented with the cupping set. Two cups were placed on the inside of my breasts, as well as cups placed on my nipples. i know that pumped nipples get sore quickly, but it felt like my nipple rings were being ripped out...which of course they weren't, but it still felt like it. There was a lot of pumping....and moaning.

Tits were then graced with some slapping before the electric breast pump was hooked up to my already very sensitive nipples. Omg, the suction had me squealing at first but eventually my head started to float. It was strange...like my mind was racing yet moving in slow motion at the same time. i kept thinking about how Master had started me on a pumping regimen and talked about lactation years ago, but that was put on hold after my nipples were pierced. Other memories were flying through my mind....like when my nipples were tortured with needles or sandpapered raw and then hooked up to the breast pump. My head was filled with scenarios while i felt the painful/pleasurable suction.

There's just something about sore and tortured nipples that keeps me wet and feeling vulnerable, focused, and owned.

New Plug Is Ordered

2011-07-05T23:30:00.000-04:00

So the new butt plug is on order.

Ended up getting the Tristan 1.5 plug. Hopefully it will work out well. Will see.

i am a bit apprehensive about it. The shape is quite different and the base is much wider than what i am used to.

i really don't think Master's goal is comfort here...lol.

Oh well...i guess i will deal with it somehow.

Larger Plug???

2011-07-04T23:58:00.000-04:00

Master has ordered me to find a larger butt plug. That thought is frightening.

There is a comfort zone with the plug that i have now. I like the size and it is pretty comfortable. i was always confident that it would stay put during long-term wear...until now. It never popped out unexpectedly until this last long-term wear session. The plug has definitely stretched my ass and i had to be careful with my movements or if i coughed. i actually was even able to work it back in with just water and no lube after cleanings, so i guess that is definitely proof that my muscles have adapted to being stretched open and now relax more easily when wearing a plug.

So in that respect, i understand Master's thought process on wanting a larger plug. But it is not easy to find an intermediate plug for long-term wear. Most plugs are either 1.5" and lower or 2.0" and above. i was looking at the very few 1.75" plugs which are on the market today. And according to which site you read reviews on, most warn that the design of the 1.75" plugs tend to pop out unexpectedly. Not something i am comfortable with. Plus the designs themselves do not look very comfortable and seem like they would be hard to insert.

But Master wants one ordered by tonight, so i guess my ass will be experimenting with one of them.

Butt Plug Thoughts

2011-07-02T23:44:00.000-04:00

When the butt plug is in, i tend to think about the comfort i will have when Master allows me to remove it. And my mind i always on the plug because i can constantly feel its presence.

So now that i have been allowed to remove the plug, i feel empty. i guess that i miss the feelings that the plug generates. Whether it is pain or pleasure, the feeling of vulnerability and being at Master's mercy, or just feeling owned...my mind is constantly focused on my place. It's just very odd.

Not sure how long the plug will be out this time.

Pizza

2011-06-29T23:28:00.000-04:00

Master ordered no fast food for two weeks and said that all meals must be homemade.

Now i normally don't eat a ton of fast food, but sometimes it is more convenient to pick up some prepared stuff, especially at lunch when i am working.

Technically, i consider "fast food" as the drive through burger and chicken franchises. So i was surprised that Master considered pizza fast food...lol. i was hoping that the white garlic pizza would be in a different category and be allowed...but that didn't happen.

i like to cook, and cook often, but it is a pain to actually have to cook everything from scratch everyday. Guess i am not all that domesticated. i always go for ease.

Well, i will get my white garlic veggie pizza soon. The two weeks is nearing its end.

Ever notice how you crave something more just because you can't have it?

Nipple Pain - Ouch!

2011-06-28T11:57:00.000-04:00

And not the normal nipple pain...lol.

So the other day i was driving and somehow my seat belt got caught on my nipple ring as i was turning the corner and it pulled really hard.

i screeched and grabbed my tit. A friend riding with me was quite confused and asked what the hell i was doing...lol. All i could do was say ouch, ouch, ouch and hold my tit. i finally explained that the seat belt got caught on my nipple ring. We were both laughing, but damn that hurt and my nipple is still sensitive!

i hate seat belts and don't think the government should have the right to mandate wear...in my own car...but they do. i have always felt it should be up to the individual to wear it if they chose.

See, there's another reason NOT to wear them!...lol.

Sore Butt

2011-06-27T23:02:00.000-04:00

My ass is quite sore tonight.

Master decided yesterday that my ass needed to be stretched bigger. It was probed, stuffed, and stretched hard and finally left raw and throbbing.

Everything hurts....whether standing, walking, sitting, or laying down. i definitely know it is there. Even my normally comfortable butt plug is going in hard and painful today.

Master says it will help me stay focused and remember my place. And that is definitely holding true because the pain never subsides and i am constantly thinking about it.

Maybe by tomorrow it will ease up some and be a bit more comfortable.

Still Stuffed

2011-06-25T23:55:00.000-04:00

i asked Master if i would be wearing the butt plug longer this session than he had me wear it last time and He said yes. He didn't offer a time frame, and i didn't ask. Not sure if i really want to know or not.

My ass has not had a lot of time to recoup since Master made me wear it for 8 days (200 hours) a few weeks ago.

Although i still get sore, my ass is definitely loosening up from being stretched open with the plug.

Stuffed Once Again

2011-06-21T23:37:00.001-04:00

Master decided that my ass needed to be plugged 24/7 once again.

So in it went on Sunday morning at 9 am. The first few days are always a bit uneasy as my asshole adjusts to the constant fullness, probing, and stretching from the plug. By the end of the day, i do tend to slouch a bit and slide my body down when sitting for awhile so that the position gives my asshole a short-lived break from the pressure.

But the plug still drives me insane by keeping me horny and on edge. i continue to constantly squeeze my muscles around the plug until i am so sore that i let out a yelp or groan. Yet i just can't seem to stop putting extra pressure and friction on the plug for very long.

Not Much

2011-06-15T11:55:00.000-04:00

Not much going on. Master is out of town. i have a million things that i could/should be catching up on, but i really have no ambition at all...grrrrr.

i am not always good at staying focused on my own. Sometimes i am better than other times, but usually the longer it goes, the worse i become.

At least the weather is starting to warm up finally. Will see how long that lasts.

Butt Plug Days - The End

2011-06-01T23:55:00.000-04:00

Master did allow the butt plug to be removed yesterday.

8 days, 200 hours of continuous wear.

The butt plug was removed only for necessity and i doubt that the amount of time out of my ass was more than 30 minutes total for the entire 8 days.

This was definitely the longest stretch that i have ever continuously worn a butt plug. My asshole was quite relaxed. Although my ass was sore at times, it was never untolerable. i am thankful for being allowed to wear that particular plug. If it were any other plug, i doubt that i would have been able to last as long.

It was an extremely stimulating task that kept me constantly on edge and my mind always focused on my place.

Crazy Day

2011-05-31T18:31:00.000-04:00

Today was very busy.

It sucked going back to work after the long weekend.

The weather was unusually hot...and very humid.

Just never seems to be enough hours in the day.

i did get to have some cheap thrills from squeezing on the butt plug though. That made me smile...and moan all day.

Still Stuffed - 1 Week

2011-05-30T10:04:00.001-04:00

My ass continues to stay stuffed 24/7. i was plugged at noon last Monday so it has been a week straight today.

It still feels good, but i cannot believe how horny i am. i am downright insatiable and it is driving me insane...arghhhhh.

i am sure that my heightened arousal is being derived from a combination of many things, but the butt plug is triggering a flow of emotions within me. First, since i am constantly aware of my ass being stuffed, my head is really focused on my place. i find my mind in deeper thought about my submission these days. Even when i feel a twinge of pain or sit down and feel the plug being forced in deeper....or just feeling it's movement while walking, i tend to automatically bow my head and lower my eyes without even thinking (or realizing where i am or who may be around) and thoughts fill my head about being owned.

There is also the control factor of not only my mind, but my body. And the vulnerability i feel with knowing that i am at Master's mercy. Just knowing that He can bring me to levels that i myself don't think are attainable. Always feeling the reminder of the realization that if He wants it, it will eventually happen regardless of my opinion, fears, or needs or own wants.

i guess it just helps reiterate my status…being controlled, vulnerable, helpless.....owned......His slave.

Still Stuffed - Butt Plug Days Continue

2011-05-29T23:35:00.000-04:00

It's always strange for me when i do an online search and end up with some of my own blog postings in the results. So in my course of searching about wearing a butt plug, i was brought to a post i made about 3 years ago.

i was particularly happy in that post that i had "survived the task" of wearing a butt plug all day....throughout my work day even. i went on to say that i was able to "endure" the plug for 11 hours at the time. Right now it has been 150 hours of continuous wear.

Quite a difference three years makes.

i think about the resistance and fears that i have had over the years and deeply appreciate the love, patience, and persistence that Master has had with me.

Butt Plug Days - Over 100 Hours

2011-05-27T19:00:00.000-04:00

i am actually handling the long-term wearing of the butt plug rather well. i would have never believed that i could handle wearing the plug consecutively for days. Master always has more faith in me than i have in myself in regards to what i can handle.

i have not complained or whined or even asked once about its removal. When Master decides to discuss it, then it will happen.

i do however ramble at times on how damn horny, aroused, and wet the plug keeps me. It's not easy to forget the plug is in...lol. It keeps me insatiable...and that is hard to deal with on a constant basis. Sometimes exhausting...sometimes frustrating...sometimes overwhelming. But always out of my control.

Butt Plug Day 3

2011-05-26T23:59:00.001-04:00

Well i survived my third straight day of wearing the butt plug. Actually today was less painful than yesterday. i think the trick is to ensure that the plug isn't removed more than once a day...and only for a couple of minutes.

It has now been 82 hrs since my ass was plugged and i feel good. Although the plug is still providing stimulation that leaves me crazy. It is still keeping me totally craving and on edge...arghhhhhhhh.

i am still not sure how long Master is going to keep my ass plugged.

Butt Plug Day 2 - 58 hrs & Counting

2011-05-25T22:43:00.000-04:00

The butt plug is still in, having only been removed a couple times for necessity and for periods of less than 5 mins each time.

i sometimes get nervous about wearing a plug to work but there really weren't any issues today. My mind tends to easily drift off throughout the day as the pain triggers reminders of my place. i think that pain brings out my submission to a deeper level as i am forced to accept Master's choices for me. Pain reinforces my status and leaves me feeling vulnerable and at Master's mercy. And constant pain equals constant focus.

My asshole is definitely getting stretched and swollen. It is sore, yet i still squeeze on it.....which now sends sharper pains deep into my body and makes me whimper...yet i continue to do it. It is also growing more painful now to reinsert the plug after it has been removed.

i am still horny as hell. My dreams and thoughts grow more extreme as the pain makes me crave hard. There is something in my mind that process needing to cum with pain. i don't get excited watching normal porn, i like the heavier stuff. So when i am craving release, my mind starts thinking about ways that pain will make me cum. My cunt remains wet. i fight to keep my hands from slipping down to where they don't have permission to be. Watching porn drives me absolutely insane. My breathing gets ragged, i start to squirm in my seat, and my body is ready to explode in minutes, so i turn it off...leaving myself even more frustrated.

i know that i am owned and don't make my own choices. i know that my own wants, needs, and pleasure are not important. But its still hard to function at times when you are so aroused and ready to explode but your mind and body have no choice but to react to its Master's control. Sometimes i just want to scream "i want to touch or be fucked now!"....lol, but i know that won't be beneficial to me in the least!

So it is just after 10 pm right now. Which means the plug has been stretching my asshole open for 58 hours. That's the longest i have ever continuously worn a plug.

Butt Plug Day

2011-05-24T23:55:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was Butt Plug Day. It's been quite awhile since i have worn a plug so i was a bit apprehensive. Wearing a butt plug is not normally an all time favorite of mine (not that it matters anyway...lol), but for some reason....it felt awesome yesterday. It took awhile to actually get it in. Lots of lube and my fingers working to stretch and loosen.

i have one silicone butt plug that i can easily wear longer term. It's not all that big...insertion size is just under 4" and the width 1.5. The design is smooth and stays put without me worrying that it might slip out at an given moment. Honestly, i wish they would make the same plug in a larger size.

So with the plug finally settled into place, i start to go about my day....but i can feel my arousal heightening. i have been quite horny these days, but Master is not allowing me any release or touch. i felt myself squeezing my butt to feel the pressure. When i was sitting or driving throughout the day, i would squeeze and rock to cause friction. It just felt awesome...the perfect combination of pain/pleasure i guess. My juices flowed and my cunt was sloshy all day....panties stayed soaked and thighs sticky. i swear that anyone next to me would smell my arousal.

i took a shower late and removed and cleaned the plug. My asshole was swollen and puckered. It looked and felt used, but the pain was still pleasurable. Reinsertion wasn't too bad either. Again i lubed my asshole and worked it in with my fingers. i laughed at myself because i couldn't stop wondering how people actually fit a whole hand up there....ouch!

Master ordered me to bed early last night and my hands and feet were secured to the bed. OMG...i was so damn horny that i was going insane. It's hard to be restrained when you are that aroused. My mind starts processing extreme situations, my body starts to squirm and pull hard against the bonds, and my cunt just drips. i eventually fell asleep.....only to wake up laying in a wet spot from my sloshy cunt.

So the butt plug went in at 12:30 yesterday. Master said He would talk about the possibility of removing it tomorrow...so i am not exactly sure when it will be removed. Right now, it has been in over 24 hours. It actually still feels good and i am enjoying the mixture of light pain from the soreness and the pleasure it sends through my body. i have read blogs where slaves wear plugs every day...i wonder how they manage, but i am sure that they get used to it.

i am still horny as hell. My cunt is craving some attention and my thoughts and dreams are getting extremely intense and heavy. And i sit here and continue to squeeze on the plug to feel the pain. Hmmmm, i must be in a bit of a painslut mode...lol.

A Bit Wet

2011-05-21T23:58:00.000-04:00

i think that Master needs to be careful where he makes me cum. Yeah, yeah...i know.....He doesn't care...lol.

Master had already used me roughly and i had not been allowed to cum. My body was sore and achy. Master had me sit in my computer chair with my legs spread open and my fingers spreading my cunt lips wide open. Then He ordered me to cum and i came so hard that i squirted all over...and i mean ALL over. i swear it was a 5 foot radius all around me. i don't even remember how many times He ordered me to cum, but i think it was several. i was soaked...my chair had puddles...the floor was drenched. The chair next to me got quite wet. My keyboard and desk looked like they had been left outside during a rain storm and were covered with large droplets. i was just squirting everywhere. i don't always squirt when i cum. But when i do squirt, it's not normally that intense.

And it still amazes me that Master is able to make me cum, let alone squirt that hard, just by a verbal command. My head was floaty, my body was craving release bad, and i was really focused on Him. My body was just obeying and reacting to its owner.

When Master was finally done with me, i was just pretty much in awe as i looked around the room at the mess i had to clean up.

Yesterday

2011-05-07T06:02:00.001-04:00

When Master ordered me to get the slave whip last night, i shuddered. It is probably my least favorite implement of all time. There is no warm up with that whip, even if it is used lightly. It just stings, cuts, and raises instant welts. i can never get my head into the right frame of mind to accept it graciously. It can break me down very quickly.

So after my back and ass were broken in by the slave whip, Master's next choice was the tack flogger. That was rough going over my already tender skin. My back and ass were covered with welts and tiny droplets of blood from the tacks.

It was intense.

Catching Up

2011-04-27T22:43:00.001-04:00

Damn it has been a very long time since I have posted here....arghhh.

Life has been crazy and busy.

Consistency is lacking.

Focus is intermittent.

i struggle to keep my head where it should be, but i continue to try.

Weather is actually warming up finally, although it did snow not very long ago...geeze. i am really ready for some warm, sunny weather. i just might have to hit the tanning salon if i really want warmth and a tan...lol.

Life should settle down soon and i will be using some vacation time up, which will be very nice.

Hopefully i will get back to posting more regularly very soon. Gotta get back into my routine.

Thursday

2011-03-31T01:10:00.000-04:00

Geeze, i can't believe it has been two weeks since i last posted.

Life has been crazy and hectic. Not enough hours in the day and i have been exhausted.

The weather still sucks, but it's getting better...although they are calling for snow showers tomorrow.

Tuesday

2011-03-15T08:37:00.000-04:00

i don't think summer is ever going to get here.

Am sick of waking up to snow......geeze.

It is almost April.....needs to warm up.

Monday

2011-03-14T00:58:00.000-04:00

i am over tired tonight. Late night. Couple hours of sleep. Early morning. Busy day....and it's only Monday...lol.

i was thinking about watching some porn, but that will prolly just get me all hot and bothered and keep me awake...lol.

i still have a couple of bruises and markings on my breasts from last week. Am surprised they have lasted this long but they are small now and getting lighter.

Damnnn.....i can't keep my eyes open.

Busy Day

2011-03-12T03:41:00.000-05:00

Started running around early this morning and didn't get a chance to relax until late...arghhhhhh.

i still have a lot to catch up on so hopefully tomorrow will be a good day to do that.

Tits are still a bit tender and bruised, but that is a nice feeling!

Hey, at least yesterday's snow mostly melted.....yay!!!

Bruised Tits

2011-03-11T03:39:00.000-05:00

My tits got a bit of a workout tonight. Master's choices of torture included pinching, slapping, twisting, pulling and two paddles.

He chose both a leather and wooden paddle with holes.

Now i don't mind the leather paddles much at all, but the wooden paddles just seem to penetrate through me. In fact, i still have small bruises and marks on my tits today.

Master was very generous in allowing me to cum. Mmm...that was a very nice treat.

Still Trying To Stay Focused

2011-03-09T00:24:00.000-05:00

It is too easy to fall out of routine if i let my mind wander and don't focus.

My mind starts to deal with what *i want*, which is never good for me...lol.

And...it snowed againnnn today...geeze! It did eventually turn into rain later in the day....but it took awhile. i am sooooo ready for Spring.

Focus

2011-03-08T01:01:00.000-05:00

i am trying to stay focused these days.

It's not always easy to keep your head in the right place.

No snow today...yay...lol.

Monday

2011-03-07T00:34:00.000-05:00

Not much going on.

Mondays are always exhausting. Hard to get back into the swing of things after the weekend.

i can't stay awake.

Am off to bed.

Sunday

2011-03-06T23:40:00.000-05:00

Okay.....i can always tell when i haven't been allowed any sort of release recently.

My dreams start to get more intense each night.

Am dreaming of things that i don't even like...yet they sound so appealing!

Geeze

Saturday

2011-03-05T23:34:00.000-05:00

i have actually been doing well in regards to posting more frequently these days. Amazing for me...lol.

Trying to get caught up on things this weekend before the snow starts again.....arghhhhhh.

Am missing my porn but it's just too hard to read and watch without touching these days...oh well, i will survive.....i think....lol.

Finally Friday

2011-03-04T00:02:00.000-05:00

Yay it's Friday.

It has been another long week, but at least it's the weekend.

i am tired.....yet i am quite aroused. i don't have permission to touch right now so i am staying away from the porn.

Welts

2011-03-03T23:03:00.000-05:00

The other day when my feet and calves were being caned, there were also some intense welts left on my breasts.

i was rather mesmerized by the welts. They were bold, bright red, inflamed, raised lines running across my breasts.

i found myself staring at them and continually running my fingers over them. i couldn't keep my fingers off them.

i guess i was just totally fascinated by them.

Assessing My Actions

2011-03-02T23:45:00.000-05:00

There are days when i know Master is exhausted or has a lot on His mind. Naturally i want Him to relax when that happens.

i have a bad habit of analyzing the situation and if i think Master needs to relax and He orders me to retrieve a toy or implement, i sometimes tell Him that W/we don't need to do it at the moment.

Needless to say, Master doesn't appreciate my interpretation of the situation. It's not that i am being disrespectful or disobedient...it's just that i love Him so deeply and am just trying to care for Him.

But i need to respect His choices whether i agree or not and ensure that i do not add more stress by sounding like i am being disobedient. In actuality, His actions may be more of a release for Him at that moment.

i do trust Master's judgement. What is best for Master....and ultimately for myself....is to just obey. That's my job....that's my place.

Humiliation

2011-03-01T00:11:00.000-05:00

Whether verbal or physical, humiliation is sometimes hard to deal with. It's something that i have struggled with over the years. If i am focused with my head in the right place, i can usually deal with it.

The other day there was some humiliation factors worked into the session. Although i surprised myself in being able to focus, obey and endure at the time, i tend to replay the events in my head for days after it is over.

Humiliation is quite humbling to me. When i focus and accept, i feel stripped, controlled and owned. It is a stark reminder of my place...and of who is in charge.

Tired

2011-02-28T00:22:00.000-05:00

Unbelievably hectic day.

i am exhausted and falling asleep.

Whole body is achy tonight. Barely made it through a half hour workout at the gym, but did manage to survive...somehow...lol.

i am off to bed.

Foot Torture and More

2011-02-27T12:29:00.000-05:00

i am sitting here, my body aching...my head still floating...cum dripping out of me as i try to focus on a post.

My calves and bottom of my feet were caned well this morning before i was fucked through the pain of standing in heels and stretching those muscles to their max. Master had total control of my mind and body. My head was responding to commands that haven't been used in awhile.

It was hard to stand at all.....let alone adjusting to the positions of crouching down or being up on my toes, especially as the caning continued. My head was really floaty but just as i would start to float off, Master would pull my mind in a different direction. It's really hard to explain. What i was experiencing was really surreal.

My breasts also were the recipient of the cane which left bright red marks. My body was on fire...in more than one way. i was in tears from the pain, yet floating in such a state of arousal. Master was generous with allowing me several cums and it has been quite awhile since i received such a luxury. i was totally drained, but Master kept going.

My cunt defies all rationality. It shouldn't get wet and drip from that much pain.....but it did. It was dripping from both pain and pleasure. Dripping from the cane being used harshly or softly along my body. Dripping from being fucked hard. My cums were explosive and juices ran down my knees.

i am sure this post isn't flowing well....but my head is still floaty. i would have loved a nap in my corner.

All i know right now is that my feet, calves, cunt and breasts are just throbbing. But there is a calmness within me. Until i get up and try to walk and just want to cry. Not to mention the fact that Master has ordered me to do a 30 minute leg workout at the gym today.....arghhhhhh. But i will work through it…..and it will serve as a good reminder of my place.

Saturday

2011-02-26T11:37:00.000-05:00

Will be a busy day. Lots on my agenda. Still hope to work in some time to get to the gym. i don't like when it closes early on the weekends...lol. Actually, being open 24/7 most of the week is what originally appealed to me.

i am trying to stay focused.

Friday

2011-02-25T11:33:00.000-05:00

Happy Blizzard Snow Storm Friday

i have had enough of this freaking snow...lol. It just doesn't stop. Or when it does stop, it is very short lived.

Weather here is fluctuating unbelievably. It will hit 40 and rain one day and the next day it will be 16 degrees with a below zero windchill.

Arghhhhh. At least Spring is right around the corner....hopefully!

Thursday

2011-02-24T00:31:00.000-05:00

Well it's almost the weekend.

I'm too tired to think.

My eyes keep closing as i try to write.

i am off to bed.

How Far Can He Take You

2011-02-23T01:30:00.000-05:00

Continuing my thought process from yesterday's post...

Ir's interesting to think about your own training and just how far your Master can take you.

It's scary at times to see how helpless you become against your Master's will and desires. Especially when encountering something you really don't want to do or experience.

Only He can help you transcend the barriers that you often build up and surround yourself with.

Limits

2011-02-22T23:56:00.001-05:00

Today's Submissive Journal Prompt was: "Share things you would never do and don’t want to even think about..."

As i started contemplating the prompt, i realized just how many things i USED to say that i would never do, only to watch Master strip and break through those limits over the years.

i have not been allowed to have a limits list for several years now, although at times i still wish i did have one...lol. Over the years there were many things that i never wanted to do. But i can honestly say that when Master broke through those self-imposed limits, it actually made a strong impact on my own acceptance of my slave status.

To me, a limits list represents more of a comfort zone. i think a limits list really limits the Master more than the submissive or slave...in that it doesn't allow Him to make the necessary decisions on how to proceed with training.

You have to have an enormous trust level with your Master in order to transcend the fear that holds us back from truly submitting. If your Master only works within your comfort zone, how will you ever surpass even the basic challenges that mold us into the slave He seeks and deserves.

There will always be new challenges and new fears to work through. But the ability to conquer them through the guidance of our Masters always brings O/our relationships to a higher level.

Many times i think we defeat ourselves before we even try. i am well aware that my Master has more confidence in me than i have in myself. i can't even count the numerous times i have admitted that i didn't think i could accomplish something, only to have Master prove that i could. It's not always easy to surrender and there are times that it is natural to fight changes which bring us out of our element. But when we finally submit, a more humble, desirable slave emerges.

i also highly respect the complexity of balancing the role that our Masters have. Knowing when and how hard to push and inspire...and when to stop the drive. i don't envy the intricacy of Their job. They have a huge amount of pressure and responsibility on Their shoulders to not only protect and guide Their property, but to inspire, encourage, stimulate and mold them into the desired slave They deserve.

Frustrated

2011-02-20T23:54:00.000-05:00

i am frustrated with myself. i have really been good lately. i have even been good about keeping my mouth shut and not being argumentative. Until today.

Damnnnn....i wish that i could lock my mouth shut until i calm down so that i dont say things that i shouldn't.

i know better.

Wet

2011-02-19T23:29:00.000-05:00

Last night was a quiet, laid-back night. As Master and i were talking, He directed me to strip down to only my thong, collar and cuffs. i was cold and Master generously allowed me a blanket for my lap, ordering me to ensure that the blanket did not rise above my waist.

As W/we continued talking, my cunt began to stir and i could feel my juices starting to pool beneath me. My nipples remained hard and my cravings were rising quickly. i was consciously struggling to keep my hands from wandering to places i hadn't been given permission to touch.

i could feel my heart rate and breathing rise. i was very aroused. Master asked me why i was so aroused and so wet.

I don't know....just my inner slut surfacing for no reason....other than being with Him.

Just Chilling

2011-02-18T23:49:00.000-05:00

Has been a long week and i am falling asleep as i write this.

i must need vitamins.

Or maybe the lack of sun is making me tired.

Thursday

2011-02-17T00:36:00.000-05:00

Trying to post before i fall asleep.

Can't seem to stay awake tonight.......

Wednesday

2011-02-16T00:21:00.000-05:00

Just sitting here thinking about not wanting to think.

Sometimes i just want to turn my thought process off....like flipping a light switch....lol.

Cuffs

2011-02-15T00:43:00.000-05:00

Geeze...i just noticed that my wrist cuffs are starting to show signs of wear.

That just sucks cuz i really hate trying to find well-made, comfortable cuffs.

My ankle cuffs wore out last year and i ordered the exact same ones i already had...but they aren't the same. Not broken in.

Oh well...such is life...lol.

i am falling asleep in my chair. i am off to bed.

Happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T11:59:00.000-05:00

Sensations

2011-02-13T23:47:00.000-05:00

Master generously gave me permission for some touch time tonight. Of course my allowed touch time was geared towards specific body parts only, but my nipples were included

i have noticed that my body responds very quickly, both mentally and physically, to even the slightest sensation in my nipples...and it doesn't matter if it is from pain or pleasure.

There is something about sensitive nipples that just keeps my head focused on my submission. It not only triggers a dripping wet cunt, but also the feeling of being owned.

i guess it would be safe to say that sensitive nipples bring out the craving slut in me.....lol.

Saturday

2011-02-12T23:59:00.000-05:00

i really do like the feel and look of my new nipple stirrup shields.

They are the perfect size and i like the weight of them. Not to mention the fact that they they keep me very aroused....mmmmm.

My nips seem tp be staying quite hard and sensitive. Maybe it's cuz they are just a different design and a bit heavier than my old ones. Or maybe it's because they were harder to get in than normal nipple rings.

i don't know.....but they do feel really nice to play with...lol.

Nipple Rings

2011-02-11T23:19:00.001-05:00

I changed out my old nipple rings tonight and put in a pair of silver nipple shields.

i get very nervous when i change out my piercings, so i rarely change them. i am always afraid that i won't be able to get them back in again.

It's actually harder to get nipple shields in because you have to maneuver the pierced hole in between the shield part.

i like the new ones. They aren't overly heavy like many are and they aren't really bulky so they shouldn't be visible under clothing.

Hopefully these will be comfortable enough to wear long term for awhile. They do seem to keep my nipples more erect than my last pair. i do tend to find myself playing with my piercings when i am allowed to touch. It's unconscious really....my hands just seem to drift there.

Tired & Blah

2011-02-10T23:31:00.000-05:00

Still tired and feeling blah.

At least the weekend is just around the corner.

i am still having some wicked dreams when i actually do sleep at night.

Tired

2011-02-09T23:59:00.001-05:00

Can't seem to stay awake tonight...arghhhhh.

i even turned on some porn and still feel asleep....sheesh.....lol.

Has been a long day.

A bitterly cold day today. i think that i am craving some sun...and some heat.

i am off to bed.

i can't keep my eyes open.

Blah

2011-02-08T23:04:00.001-05:00

Not much to write about.

i am just in a blah mood.

Haven't been doing much.

Not even reading or watching porn.

Such is life....at the moment anyways...lol.

Interesting Quote

2011-02-07T23:46:00.002-05:00

i found this quote interesting, although i do not know who wrote it:

“Submissives need to be told what to do. Slaves need to do what they are told.”

it was a very rough transition for me to accept the thought process of becoming a slave vs. being a submissive. i guess that i always thought that if i were a subbie, i would still have choices. It took me a long time to realize that i didn't actually have those choices any longer even if i wanted to still consider myself a sub.

Actually, i believe that both slaves or subbies need to be told what to do...and also both should be doing what they are told.

Frustrated

2011-02-06T23:50:00.001-05:00

It is frustrating when no matter how much you really want to just obey and react to certain orders, there is a fear factor that sometimes sets in and shuts down your ability to respond.

It's not a conscious decision to disobey cuz ya really just can't do anything.

You just freeze.

It sucks.

Saturday

2011-02-05T23:13:00.001-05:00

Not much going on.

Didn't sleep well last night. Don't think i actually fell asleep till almost 5 am this morning. Ya would think that as tired as i have been.....that i would have passed out quickly last night...but that didn't happen. i did get to watch and read some kink though...it has been awhile since i had time to just sit and perv.

Is still snowing here. i don't think there is much chance that it will end anytime soon.

i am still fighting a cold....not sure who is winning the war...lol.

Finally Friday

2011-02-04T23:20:00.001-05:00

Woo hoo....it's finally Friday!

OMG it's been a very long week. Still trying not to be sick. Still don't have any energy. Still tired.

Eh...i should just go to bed.

Long Week

2011-02-03T23:59:00.000-05:00

It's been another very long week....but the weekend is near.....yayyyyy......lol.

i am trying to convince my body that i am not getting sick. Hopefully it will listen to me.....but it's not cooperating at the moment!

Too tired to think. i am off to bed.

Daydreaming

2011-02-02T22:38:00.001-05:00

So it was mid afternoon today and i was sitting at my desk while at work. My hands were feeling dry so i grabbed a bottle of moisturizing lotion that i leave on my desk.

As i am working the lotion into my hands, i feel my fingers squeeze together into the cupping position they would be in if i were trying to fist myself. i looked down at my hands and was mesmerized as i watched their movement and the very generous amount of the lotion coating and gliding over them...just like the lube i would use.

As i watched the position of my hands working the lotion in, i could feel my face start to blush red. In fact, i turned very red as i realized what my mind was thinking about....and where i was.

Geeze....i am NOT supposed to think of that type of stuff while i am working!...arghhh

Tuesday

2011-02-01T23:56:00.000-05:00

Life has been crazy.

i have not been sleeping well the last few nights. i keep tossing and turning and watching the clock...grrr.

Just trying to stay focused.

And trying not to think...or over process.

Can't wait to wake up to over a foot of snow tomorrow morning...lol.

Oh well, i can't change winter.

Monday

2011-01-31T23:57:00.000-05:00

Well January is coming to an end here. A very quick start to the New Year. Hey, maybe it will stop snowing soon...nah, it won't...lol.

i did make an effort to post regularly this month and i did meet that goal. Would have been perfect had i not fallen asleep in my chair here and miss the posting time on that one day...sheesh.

The skin on my breasts is actually beginning to feel a bit softer after having been rubbed raw from the sandpaper. i was starting to think that it would never be soft again...lol.

i didn't sleep well last night. Hopefully i will get some better rest tonight.

Perfectionist

2011-01-30T17:33:00.000-05:00

i am struggling today. i think i am too much of a perfectionist.

As much as i really want to be as close as possible to the "perfect slave", my mind sometimes just won't let me surrender.

i know that Master sets the goals and His opinion of my progression is what really matters. But i do set my own personal goals and it is tough to handle when i fail at them.

i really believe that a slave has to strive to be the best that she can be. If she doesn't have her own goals and personal expectations, i think that she falls short in giving her all. Yes, she can go through the motions, but i don't think that is enough...for me anyways.

i am emotional today because i couldn't do something that Master is training me in. Master was not upset, He was supportive. But i was upset. Still am. Damn...i am still emotional about it.

Saturday

2011-01-29T23:59:00.000-05:00

My dreams continue to get intense. i think that Master needs to let me cum soon. At least that would give me a break from the heavy dreams for a little while...lol.

Master was very generous in allowing me some touch time. It had been quite awhile since i had that privilege and it was much appreciated.

2011-01-27T23:23:00.000-05:00

So last night i showed Master a pretty hot lactating bondage clip i found on the internet.

This girl was squirting all over as her tits were milked and tied tighter and tighter.

Master tells me: "you do need to lactate".

i groaned and said: omg, can you imagine being that full? i would be leaking all over. That remark made Master smile!...arghhhh.

Then i started thinking about the time Master had me starting to pump my breasts on a regular schedule in preparation to lactate....but shortly after that task had been started, my nipples were pierced so i couldn't continue to pump at the time.

Not to mention the fact that i ended up dreaming about lactating....argh.

Don't Think

2011-01-26T01:52:00.000-05:00

i like reading slave journals. It's nice to see that there are real people out there going through the same feelings and issues that i encounter.

i was talking to Master tonight about how nice it is to see that other slaves over react as well. Sometimes i don't know why my mind reacts as it does. It could be a simple remark that my head will blow all out of proportion.

i have really been trying not to think as much these days. It probably sounds funny to read that, but for me, it is crucial. It is way too easy for me to over process no matter how simple it may be.

Of course there are many times where i just obey and react....but other times my head just goes off in all directions.

Sometimes i even practice doing things so that when Master orders it....i am more comfortable in just reacting without having to think about it.

Not Much

2011-01-25T23:35:00.000-05:00

Not much going on.

Just has been a very long week....and it's only Tuesday. Feels like it should at least be Thursday.

Breasts still feel like reptile skin from the sandpaper...yechhh...lol.

i am tired and don't have much energy.

Sorry for the sucky post, but i don't even have the energy to think right now.

Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid

2011-01-24T23:53:00.000-05:00

It was probably the result of a combination of events.

First, i was rather horny...and i was expressing that. i really was craving hard. Not to mention the fact that i usually stay away from porn when i am denied touching and/or cumming...but i had watched and read some earlier in the day. i was dripping wet and on edge.

Secondly, Master had said something that made me instinctively and quickly close my legs. i don't remember exactly what was said, but the thought produced that instant reaction from me.

So the result was...Master decided 2 ounce weights were to hang from my clit hood piercing. The weight felt heavy and i was groaning from its pull.

Well that move shut me up rather quickly and i no longer wanted to touch as i struggled to remain as still as possible so the weights didn't pull harder. Walking was slow and tedious with each step calculated in hopes that the weight didn't swing too much. Oh...and i definitely kept my legs splayed wide open too.

It's interesting how easily Master can change my thoughts, wants, and cravings in a matter of seconds...arghhhh.

Sunday

2011-01-23T21:11:00.000-05:00

It is freaking cold. i usually tolerate winter okay but this year it just sucks...lol. Ya know it's bad when it's below zero....and that's not even the windchill. In fact, the windchill reading is in double digits and dropping quickly...geeze.

It was odd working out at the gym today without the sandpaper in my bra. No extra pain...lol. But it really is strange how you focus your mind to work through the pain of a task and when it is finally over, it feels odd that the pain is gone and it's hard to get used to normalcy again.

The skin on my breasts is rough where the sandpaper rubbed off a few layers. Although i keep moisturizing the rough skin, it will take a bit for it to grow back and shed the roughness. i am not used to my skin not being soft.

i did get some stuff caught up this weekend. i am getting there. It's always rough catching up after the holidays.

Saturday

2011-01-22T23:32:00.000-05:00

Okay, i definitely think we have had enough snow for the year already...lol. It has been extremely cold as well.

Breasts are still quite sore, although i really think that they should look way worse than they do. i mean really....if i had to go through all that pain...they should look like it!...lol

Sandpaper Bra Day 5

2011-01-21T23:14:00.001-05:00

i am glad it's Friday! i am looking forward to relax a bit this weekend.

Breasts have gotten quite a good workout this week. They are sore and sensitive, but the pain feels good. i like the fact that the pain keeps me focused on my place and my body and mind respond quite favorably to it.

The pain also keeps me quite wet and extremely aroused. i am constantly on edge and craving. It's making me feel like quite a little slut.