Tired

i tend to get worn down during the holidays. Life is usually crazy enough, but then add in all the shopping, baking, parties, etc....and it gets draining. Trying to fit everything into an already hectic schedule.

And when life is crazy, there is less time for the heavier bdsm play. But then when it is brought back to life, i find myself quite unsure of my ability to handle it. (And yes, i know that it doesn't matter what i think that i can handle...and it is solely Master's decision, but it is a heavy mind set.) There is a level of doubt, fear, and self-questioning that looms in my mind. Master often reminds me that i don't need to think, but often times that is hard for me not to.

i try hard to just blindly accept and trust. i really do trust in His judgement and guidance. It's just sometimes you fight it.....you think that you can't handle it....or don't want/need a specific experience...yet u just try to accept.

Sometimes i think that i am mellowing out...becoming a wuss....lol. i guess my head can't always be really deep...as long as i still have to function and think in the vanilla world.